Vayishlach 1991

In the Torah portion Vayishlach we learn about the reconciliation of Yaacov and Esau.  Yaacov was very much afraid because he hears that Esau is coming to meet him with 400 men.  He has an army.  Yaacov realizes Esau has not forgotten his threat to kill Yaacov.  Yaacov does not know what to do, so he sends Esau a huge gift, he divides his camp, and he prepares for war, and he prays to G-d, but, miraculously, Esau reconciles with Yaacov.  He does not attack him.  He does not kill him.  They leave as friends.  What was it that caused Esau to change his mind?  Why didn't Esau carry out his threat, and if he had no intention at all to carry out his threat, why did he bring his army of 400 men with him?
Also, later on in the Torah portion we learn about Rachel's death.  Rachel dies
in childbirth.  Childbirth, of course, we all know, is a very dangerous enterprise.
Thank G-d, today, thanks to medical science, few women die in childbirth, but
in the past between 15 and 20% of all women died in childbirth.  That is why
men know that women are basically much more courageous than they are.  Women,
because of love, risk their lives.  They risk their lives to produce future
generations.  Because of this, men become macho and start wars to prove that
they are as brave as their wives.  After all, very, very, very few men ever
die by begetting a child, but we know that many, many, many women did die giving
birth to children.  Rachel, as she is dying, says that the boy who was born
should be called Ben Oni, the son of my suffering.  Jacob, when he sees the
boy come out, does not follow the directions of Rachel.  Instead, he called
the boy Benyamin.  Ben Oni is Aramaic for the son of my sorrow.  Oni, though,
can also be a Hebrew word.  Oni can mean sorrow and also strength, so Yaacov
does not really disregard completely Rachel's instruction.  He just calls the
boy by the Hebrew synonym of Oni, choosing the positive meaning of the synonym,
the right hand, strength, and he calls him Benyamin, the son of my strength.
The reason for this, of course, is Benjamin if he would be called Ben Oni would
have to bear a big burden.  He would have to always be conscious of the fact

every time anybody called his name that his birth caused his mother's death,
that the very act of his being born killed his mother.  I know that this is
a big burden because I visit the hospitals and I see many times people who are
either waiting for transplanted hearts or have received a transplanted heart,
and many of them feel very guilty, especially when they are waiting for a transplanted
heart when they find themselves praying for an automobile accident because the
only way they can live is for someone to die, and it has to be someone in their
20's or 30's with a healthy heart.  They are only living today, those who received
the transplant, because of the death of somebody else.  That is a hard burden
to bear.  Heart transplants are different from all other transplants.  A kidney
transplant does not kill the donor.  After all, a person has two kidneys.  Even
a liver transplant, the liver can regenerate itself so you can do with part
of the liver, but a heart transplant is different.  The person who gave th4e
heart must die and must die in an accident so that the person who bore his heart
from the transplant can live.
There is another issue here, too, and that is that men and women, when they converse, they communicate differently.  There is a good book just put out by Deborah Tannen called You Just Don't Understand which speaks about the fact that when women communicate women communicate seeking understanding, and when men communicate they communicate seeking power and practical advice and seek to find out what the pecking order is in any given situation.  In fact, this woman made a survey at college campuses among university professors and those who were male differed markedly from the female professors.  The female professors said that they chose to be a professor because they liked teaching and because they liked to join the university community, while the male professors that the reason they became professors was because of the independence it offered, that the company could not tell them what kind of research they could get into, that they had power over their own destiny and over their experiments, and,

I suspect, over their students, too.  When and if their power would ever be curtailed I think they would quickly get out of teaching.  She did recount how certain professors did quit teaching because they could no longer exercise the type of independence that they prized.  They were willing to take less money than in industry so that they could have the independence that they wanted. Therefore, this woman goes on to say, that when women communicate they communicate in order to further intimacy, in order to further closeness, in order to make sure that they are not rejected, but when men communicate men communicate in order to gain power, in order to learn what the pecking order is, in order to gain practical knowledge or practical advice.  I can illustrate this by an incident that happened recently where a couple got into a terrible fight and they came into my office.  One of the parties was hardly speaking to the other with great anger, and with a great sense of wrong they both told the following story. The woman said she had just recently had an operation on her arm and although that operation could be hidden by a sleeve she felt very ug|y.  The operation left a big scar, and when she told her husband that she felt ugly about having such a big scar, her husband said, "Well, why don't you go to a plastic surgeon?11 The woman was just furious and felt betrayed by her husband and screamed and yelled at him, "You think I am ugly!  You want me to get another operation!" Her husband was completely befuddled.  He said that his wife said she was not feeling pretty so he suggested she go to a plastic surgeon.  We see that there were two different levels of communication going on.  When the wife posed her question, she was not asking for the gift of his advice; she was asking for the gift of his understanding.  When women communicate many times all they are asking for is understanding, and when men communicate they are usually asking for advice, for practical things, for determining who has power and who does not have power, for determining what the pecking order is, etc.  In fact, Moshe Dayan tells in his autobiography how everybody knew that he and Ben Gurion were

very, very close, and they asked him how many times he spoke to Ben Gurion a day, and he said he hardly spoke to Ben Gurion just once every few months when he needed something.  Essentially that is the story of male relationships, of male friendships.  You just usually talk to a person when you need something. You don't really call him up all the time.  For women it is different.  Women are constantly talking to their friends because they crave understanding and acceptance of what they are and justification for their feelings.  They are not looking for advice.  Men, when they call, are usually looking for advice or to exercise their power or their independence.
If we look carefully at what Yaacov did here we can see that Yaacov was showing
understanding to his wife, that he did not disregard her completely.  He felt
it would just be too much of a burden on his son to be called Ben Oni, so instead
he called him Benyamin, the son of the my strength, not completely disregarding
his wife's advice because one of the meanins in Hebrew of Oni is strength.
This, too, is probably the reason why Esau made up with Yaacov.  Esau came with
400 armed men ready to do battle against Yaacov, but when he saw Yaacov Yaacov
was limping.  He had just finished his encounter with the angel the night before.
He was in no shape to fight anybody.  He was surrounded by children and by women
and he had already given Esau most of his flock.  He was just a poor fellow.
He was not even a worthy opponent.  When Esau first confronted Yaacov, or thought
he was going to confront him, he thought he was trying to determine who was
going to be the top man, but it was obvious to him who was the top man.  Esau
had all the power.  Esau was the top man, so, therefore, he could look at Yaacov
and understand him now.  He could look at him through understanding and not
through a desire for independence or power.  After all, Yaacov may have taken
the blessing from him, but the blessing was a spiritual blessing and Esau did
not really want to be religious anyway.  He only wanted to be religious occasionally,
so really he saw now that the blessing did not mean anything.  He, himself,

was much better off materially than Yaacov.  He was stronger.  He did not have to attack Yaacov.  What for?  If Yaacov wanted to be a religious, pious man, let him be a religious, pious man.  In fact, it is the religious people who should determine the standards of religion, not irreligious people.  They only partake of it occasionally.  They are not really entitled to set religious standards. It was Yaacov who was to determine religious standards, so he made up with his brother and went on his own way.
That, of course, is what the rabbis teach us.  The rabbis teach us that we should all learn how to communicate on both levels, not just on a level to assert power and independence and to determine pecking orders, but with a level of understanding as well.  In fact, the rabbis say that many of the matzahs in the Torah are specifically given so that men will become more womanlike, that men will become more understanding, more understanding of the given situation.  That, of course, is very important because there is so much miscommunication.  People are looking for understanding and men usually give advice, and sometimes vice versa.  There is so much misunderstanding that we have to realize that we have to communicate on many levels, and that it is very important to be understanding as well as seekers of advice.
I am reminded of the story they tell about miscommunication.  They tell about a patient who comes to a doctor and this patient is very greatly overweight. The doctor looks at this patient and says, "Look, you have to go on a diet. I will tell you what kind of diet I want you to go on to.  I want you to eat regularly for two days and on the third day you skip."  The man listens to the doctor and says okay.  The doctor said to come see him at the end of two weeks and he will have lost 5 pounds.  At the end of two weeks the man comes to the doctor and the doctor looks at him and says, "You've lost 20 pounds!  Did you follow exactly what I told you?"  The man said, "Yes, I sure did, doctor, but

I'll tell you that third day almost killed me."  The doctor said, "It almost killed you from hunger?"  The man said, "No, from skipping." We see many times that there are miscommunications.  We hope and pray that especially in the Middle East today that there will be understanding.  We Jewish people have understood the Arab position very much.  We have been willing to make all sorts of concessions and compromises, but the Arabs would see none of it.  All they could see is that we are a threat to them, taking away their life and their homes and we are too strong, etc., and they do not have any understanding of what we are doing there.  We do not want to dominate them but want to help them.  Hopefully, there will be a sense of understanding in the Middle East, too, so that the Mashiach wild come quickly in our day.  Amen.