Vayeshev 2000

In the Torah portion, Vayeshev, we learn about interpersonal relationships.  We learn how they are crucial to live a good life, and, in fact, medical science has taught us today that they are actually crucial to live a happy life.  Failing interpersonal relationships hurts the immune system while successful relationships aids the immune system.  People who have good interpersonal relationships usually are healthier.

In (Ms Torah portion, we learn about Yosef and his dreams. We learn how his brothers hated him first, planned to kill him, and then sold him to Egypt as a slave.  In the few verses that tell us this story, we learn how we are to act one with another.  It says, "And his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all the other brothers, and they hated him, and they were not able to speak to him peacefully."  From this, we learn how the brothers would not admit that they were miffed at Yosef. They claimed they were fighting for a higher principle.  Yosef was not treating the other brothers correctly.  Even the sons of Bilhah and Zilpah, whom Yosef had befriended, turned on him and said, "Yosef is taking on dominating airs.  It is hurting our brothers."  They compared him to Ishmael and Esau.  He was the bad apple of their generation. The brothers would not admit that they were jealous of him because their father had given

him the coat of authority and was showing too much attention to him.  They had to clothe their jealousy in pettiness and high principles.
We have to be careful of this in our own relationships.  Many times, we are just mad because we did not get an invitation, or did not like the way someone talked to us, so immediately we turn them into heretics or destroyers or the community, etc.  We cannot just say we are hurt and confront the person, and ask him why he did this.  Instead, we have to find some high principle to hang out hat on.
Why didn't the brothers just come and talk to Yosef and explain the situation, and tell him what the story was? Tell him to tone down his rhetoric, but they wanted to turn Yosef into an enemy. They wanted to make their hurt into a noble cause.
We find this in marriages and institutions, sometimes even in government. People with different views become not opponents but enemies who have to be eradicated.

Second, when Yosef was seeking his brothers, he met a man who the rabbis say was really Gavriel. The man asked him, "What do you seek?"  In any interpersonal relationships, we must know what we are seeking.  What do we want? Do we want a stable relationship, a happy relationship? Then we cannot betray trust, whether it is sexual matters or monetary matters.  We cannot agree to spend money on furniture, and then go squander it on gambling when that was not agreed to. What do you want in your relationships? If you know what your goal is, then you can fashion your relationship in such a way that you can achieve your goal, but if you do not know what your goal is, you are going to have trouble maintaining your relationship on an even keel.
Later, it says, "And the brothers saw him from a distance, and before he could approach them, and they plotted to kill him."  You can always tell when you are on terrible footing in an interpersonal relationship if you make snap judgments without letting the other people explain. This is the whole purpose of sitcoms, to create situations which look bad, but which really are not.  A wife took a very handsome man to the store with her and it looks like she was buying something for him, when really she was only getting his opinion as to

what he thought about the present she was planning to buy for her husband. For half an hour everything is upside down until the truth comes out. We should never pre-judge anything.  Once you pre-judge, you do not give a person a chance to explain, and your relationship is jeopardized.  How many times have I had to settle disputes in my office when really there was no dispute? The husband or wife had completely pre-judged the situation, which was not what he or she thought.
Finally, we see where it says, "And Judah said to his brother, 'What profit is there that we should kill our brother and cover up his blood?'"  When you have to cover up anything, then for sure you have made a mistake.  It is like the story of the young married couple who landed on an island with cannibals.  The cannibals decided to give them a party since they were newlyweds. They toasted the bride and roasted the groom, and men covered up what they were doing by saying, "We are just following our ancient customs." If you cannot tell the people involved with a straight face what you are doing, then you had better not do it.  Cover ups never work in politics, in marriage, or in business. It is very important that we always make sure that we establish proper norms in

any relationship if mat relationship is to last.
We must, first of all, not always be concerned about raising every little incident to principle, but we should realize that sometimes people, by mistake or even on purpose, hurt us, and we should try to talk it out.  Second, we should know what our goals are in our relationships.  If we just want a straight business relationship, men our goals are different than if we want a friend relationship or a marriage relationship.  Third, we must always give a person a chance to explain what he is doing or what he is about to do.  Fourth, we should never cover up.  If we cover up, then for sure we have done something wrong.  These rules are essential especially to have a good marriage.
I am reminded of the story they tell about a man who was talking to his friend. He said, "I have improved my marriage tremendously.  I told my wife how pretty she is and how much I love her." The friend said, "That's a good idea. I'll do the same thing."  He went home and told his wife how pretty she was and how much he loved her.  She immediately burst into tears.  She said, "This has been the worst day of my life.  Our son broke his leg, the washing machine

broke, I dropped my favorite vase, and now you come home drunk."  We must make sure that we have our interpersonal relationships in order.  We have to make sure that people know what to expect from us, and we also must never cover up. We must give the other person a chance to explain himself.  We should not raise every disagreement to a level of principle, and we should know what we want in life.  If we do these things, we will have good relationships so we will have good families and good institutions so the Mashiach will come quickly in our day.  Amen.