VAYETZE 1989

In the Torah portion Vayaitzai we learn how Yaacov leaves his home and goes to Mesopotamia.  We learn about his adventures there, how he met Rachel and fell in love with her, how he was swindled by his father-in-law, etc.  We learn how Yaacov grows and learn how to cope with a hostile environment. Also in this Torah portion we learn about Rachel and Leah.  We learn a very intricate subplot, about how Rachel and Leah were able to deal with sibling rivalry, how they were able to be true to themselves, to the man they loved, and to their religious principles without harming each other.  It was a very difficult thing for them to do to learn how to balance their love for each other with their love for their husband, how they were able to balance within themselves the inevitable rivalries and jealousies that they had to feel, but yet maintain their moral equilibrium.
As you all know, Laban tricked Yaacov into marrying Rachel.  In those days the brides were heavily veiled, and although Yaacov knew that his uncle was capable of such a thing and was even prepared for it, yet because of the intricate relationship between Rachel and Leah, all the precautions he took went for nought.  Rachel, because of her love for her sister as well as her love for her man, Yaacov, gave to Leah the signals that she and Yaacov had decided upon in preparation for the marriage, because Yaacov knew that Laban might be capable of switching girls on him and giving him another girl and not Rachel as he had promised.  Rachel beloved her sister and when she saw that her sister was taken into marry Yaacov, when she realized the great embarrassment that was going to be caused to her sister, Leah, if she would be rejected, she gave willingly the signs that she and Yaacov had agreed upon to her sister, Leah.  Therefore, she prevented her sister, Leah, from being totally rejected and embarrassed and probably prevented her from ever being able to marry again, or at least to marry anybody of a worthwhile stature.
 
Leah, too, paid back her sister in almost the same way when after she had already given birth to six children and the handmaidens had each given birth to two, and when Leah found that she was pregnant she knew that her sister, Rachel, had only been able to bear one child, Yosef, and the rabbis say that she knew that there was a tradition in the family that Yaacov was going to have 12 sons.  She already had 6 of them, the handmaidens had 4, and Rachel had one.  That meant 11.  That meant that if she would have another son Rachel would lose terrible face because she would only have one son.  She would not even stand as high in the hierarachal rating as the handmaidens because she would only have one son, so Leah prayed that G-d should give her a daughter instead, and G-d did give her a daughter.  He gave her Dena, and, because of this, there was still one son that would be left and that son Rachel would give him.
If we read in this Torah portion about the relationship between the sisters, we see that it was not an easy relationships, but, yet, somehow they managed to get along.  We learn in the beginning when it says, "And G-d saw that Leah was hated", actually in Hebrew the word "hated" really does not have the same harsh meaning that it does in English; it means that you are second best.  It means that in the rivalry that you have with someone else you do not come out too well, but it does not really have that harsh meaning of hatred as in English.  Obviously Jacob thought a lot of Leah.  He may have loved Rachel more, but he had all these children with her and he did value her advice as we learn later on.  When G-d saw, though, that Leah was still the second best, or if you want to say "hated", G-d opened up her womb and Rachel was barren.  We learn how Leah conceived and she gave birth to a son and she called his name Reuven because she said G-d saw my affliction because now my man will love me.  Then when she became pregnant again and gave birth to a second son she said, "G-d has heard that I am hated, that I am second
 
best and He has given me also this child."  Then she got pregnant a third
time and gave birth to a third son, and this time she did not mention at
all about hated.  She said this time, "My husband will accompany me."  That
is why she named him Levi because if she had 2 children in each arm her husband
would have to accompany her with the third son.  This name was actually confirmed
by G-d, because G-d knew that later on the Levites were going to serve in
the Temple either as priests or Levites because all priests come from the
Tribe of Levi.  Then when it said she became pregnant a fourth time, this
time she called the boy's name Yehuda, which means "I will praise G-d".
Notice that there was a progression here in Leah's feelings.  At the beginning
she felt terribly rejected.  She felt down, and she named her first son
"G-d has seen my affliction".  Anybody who would look at Leah would immediately
see that she felt very depressed and dejected and rejected, but slowly her
condition improved.  When her second son came she called his name Shimon
because "G-d has heard my affliction".  With certain people they do not even
have to open their mouth.  You can just look at them and see that they are
depressed.  You see that they are very unhappy.  You see that they are feeling
very rejected, but other people you cannot tell until they open their mouth.
In the first case, Leah was feeling very down, but by the time her second
child came it was only when she opened her own mouth that you could tell
what her feelings were, that you could tell how she still felt rejected and
second class.  By the time her third son came along, she is no longer talking
negatively.  She is talking, "Now my husband will accompany me."  She is
now walking positively, that now she is able to have much more time that
she had before with him.  She is talking in a positive vein, not a negative
vein.  Her suffering seems to be ameliorated, and by the time her fourth
son comes, she is saying, "I will praise G-d".  She does not even mention
any reason.  She is happy now.  She has found certain fulfillment.  She thanks
 
G-d for the condition in which she is in.  In contrast to Leah, Rachel, at
this time, is suffering an opposite reverse.  She is taking a nose dive in
her own self-esteem.  She now, although she knows that she is loved more
by Yaacov than her sister Leah, yet, she cannot have children and her own
self-esteem is diminished.  She knows that Yaacov consults with her but now
she feels terrible, and she says, "Give me children and if not I will die."
In other words, she was so despairing and feeling so rejected that she told
Yaacov unless he gives her children she is even going to commit suicide.
Of course, she probably did not mean it.  The rabbis do not like what Jacob
answered her.  Jacob, in effect, said, "What are you blaming me for?  I already
have children.  Am I stopping you from having children?  It's your fault,
not my fault."  In desperation, she gives her handmaiden, Bilah, to Jacob,
and then she will raise these children as her own.  Notice that she names
the first child born Ganoee, "G-d is judge".  He uses the word Elokeen, which
means again "justice has been done".  I finally have someone I can raise.
I only have a child I can, so to speak, call my own.  Even the second name
she names Nafatli, "I have struggled with G-d".  I have struggled with my
sister, and I have overcome.  In other words, again here, too, her self-esteem
has taken a terrible nose dive and she feels that she must have children
in order to maintain her self-esteem.  Notice that when Leah gives her handmaiden
to Jacob, the names she gives her sons are Gad, which means "good fortune",
and Asher, which means "happiness".  She says she is happy, she is fortunate.
Later on when Rachel sees that Leah's son, Reuven, is coming back to the
home from the fields with some "Gudaeed", which she conceives to be fertility
pills.  She even tells her sister, Leah, "You go ahead in to Jacob tonight.
Let me take these fertility pills.  Maybe they will help me."  Leah becomes
pregnant again and this time she names her son Yesachar, which means "G-d
has given me my reward".  She has another son later, too, and she calls him
 
Zebulun, which means "my man lives with me".  She is happy in her estate. Meanwhile, Rachel finally gets pregnant and she has a son, and her son she called Yosef, which means "G-d has removed my shame from me", and also it can mean  that "G-d will give me another son".  She wanted her status to be exactly like that of her handmaiden's.
We see here that in the rivalry between the sister that we have enunciated
clearly what people need in life.  We need three things.  We need to be loved.
We need to be able to accomplish some self-set goals, and we need to have
children.  It is an emotional need to have children.  It is not just a biological
need.  We need to have children not so that our genes continue but so that
we can feel fulfilled, because it is important that we be able to bring joy
to others.  What greater joy can you bring to others than to your own child
who you can shape and mold and form?  We need these 3 things, but sometimes G-d
does not allow us to have children.  Some people cannot have children, and
some people do not feel loved the way they feel they should be loved.  They
feel either a brother or sister are loved more, or their spouse does not
love them as much as he/she should.  Maybe he is a person who cannot show
affection.  Maybe they think their spouse loves their mother more than the
spouse.  Also, sometimes people feel bad because they cannot accomplish their
goals in life.  Here we learn that we have to balance all three.  We can
compensate in one area for the other.  We should strive to have all three,
but sometimes it is not possible.  Leah, at the beginning, was feeling terribly
because she did not feel that she got the love she needed and deserved.
Yes, Yaacov consulted her, and, yes, she had accomplishments in life, but
then when she had children she was able to balance what she felt was this
lack of love with her children.  This actually enhanced the love of her husband
for her, too.  It enhanced her feeling of accomplishment because you have
to do many things for children when you raise them.  Rachel, on the other
 
hand, knew that she was secure in the love of her husband.  She had all the love she could take and she would wish.  She knew that she could accomplish certain goals, but she did not have children.  She could not bring this joy and happiness to another creature, a creature who would bear her genes. She felt very dejected and despondent.  Of course, the rabbis say she is wrong because if you cannot have children, you should concentrate on other areas.  You can do so much good in the world.  You can still be loved and you can still accomplish great things for others.  Of course, she adopted a child when she could not have her own, and that is a good thing to do even today, although today it is almost impossible to adopt a child.
Today, too, many of our people make a terrible mistake.  They think that
it is not important to have a family.  They think it is not important to
have children, and one of the greatest problems that I have come into my
office on a regular basis are couples who cannot have children.  Either they
married too late or they stayed too long without trying to have children
or different problems came to the fore which prevent them from having children,
and they really want to have children.  There are some women especially who
wait too long before they get married.  They concentrate too much on their
career.  Three different women came to see me the last few weeks.  One of
them even asked if she should be artificially inseminated because they are
not married and possess a successful career, but they feel something is lacking.
The Torah here tells us that we need all 3 things.  We need to be loved,
we need to accomplish things on our own, and we need also to have children.
This is very, very important.
That is why the family is in the center of Judaism because in the family
you can accomplish all goals.  You can be loved and have children and accomplish
 
self-set goals.  It is important that we learn this.  Rachel concentrated
too much on the fact that she could not have children, and Leah, in the beginning,
concentrated too much on the fact that she was not loved enough.  We have
to balance all these three.  You can compensate in one area for the other.
Many times children come to me, and sometimes they are not children anymore
but adults, complaining this one does not love them, their mother does not
love them, etc.  This is foolishness.  What we have to do is balance and
compensate in other areas for the deficiencies that you have in one area.
A person who cannot have children because of some physical defect or some other reason should make it up in another area.  It is better is you can accomplish all three, and the family is the perfect setting to accomplish it, but sometimes it is not possible.  We see that when Leah stopped being jealous and when Rachel stopped being jealous then they could accomplish great things in their own sphere.  Concentrate on the positive things that you can do.  Yes, it is important to be loved, and, yes, it is important to accomplish self-set goals, and, yes, it is important to have children, but all these 3 have to be balanced.  The way we balance them is in the family.
I am reminded of the story they tell about a man who got fired from a job.
He went to see his friend and his friend asked why the foreman fired him.
He answered, "You know how foremen are.  They stand around all day with their
hands in their pockets watching other people work."  The friend said he agreed
but he still wanted to know why the foreman fired him.  He answered, "Well,
because all the other people on the job thought that I was the foreman."
In life if you want to accomplish anything you have to work at it.  You have
to work at love.  For some reason people think that in order to find a mate,
and that is another problem we have today where Jewish young people are not
getting married because a thunderbolt has to strike you from heaven and G-d
forbid anybody should give you advice about a mate or set you up with a date,
 
but you have to work at love, you have to work at accomplishing self-set goals, and you have to work, too, and plan to have children and have them at an early age if possible because nobody knows what is going to happen afterwards.  Let us hope and pray that we will all work in the right proportions for love and children and self-set goals so the Mashiach will come.  Amen.