VAYETZE 1988

In the Torah portion Vayetze we have many themes.  We have the theme of how a Jew has to live in golus how a Jew has to learn how to live in exile. We learn how we must maintain the Jewish dreams in an alien environment. We learn about leaving home and family, about adjusting to a new way of life, but also one of the themes of the Torah portion Vayetze is love. Jacob is forced to leave his home because of the hatred of his brother toward him.  Ostensibly he goes in order to fetch a wife from Mesopotamia. His mother sends him to her brother, who she knows is basically an anti-Semite, who stands for ideas and ideals which are in direct contradiction to the ideals of Judaism.  Jacob was a simple man, a man who lived in the tent, a man who studied all day, and here Jacob got involved in something he did not know how he got involved in.  He thought he was an observer of human nature, but here he got thrust into the middle of human passion. He could no longer be a scientific observer of the human condition.  Many people make a mistake by thinking they are outside all the human condition and that they can be free from all the problems of the human condition because they understand psychology and the workings of interpersonal relationships, and, therefore, they are not subject to the various laws of interpersonal relationships, but this is foolish. Many times people have come to me and said, "Rabbi, you don't have to worry about me.  Nothing is going to happen to me if I get into these situations.  I can handle it." Of course, a few weeks later they tell me how they could not handle it, how they got involved with this person or that person, how they lost their temper or fell madly in love or did things that were beneath them.  The temptations were too great.  You can understand everything about psychology and interpersonal relationships, but you are still subject to its laws. The rabbis say that a person can resist everything except temptation. Jacob did not know how he got into the situation he got into.  Here his mother asked him to do something.  He got involved between his mother
 
and his father.  He did not anticipate that his brother would hate him
so much that he would want to kill him.  He did not know what happened
to him, what hit him.  He was a student, an objective observer of the
human condition, and here he was forced to flee his beloved mother whom
he might never see again.  He was forced to flee his home and his studies
and his books and become a practical man.  It says, "When he alighted
at the place," which can also mean that he was wounded.  He did not have
any self-esteem left.  He did not know how he could handle the situations
of life.  It says, "He layed down in that place."  This can also mean
he was sick.  "And he took from the stones of the place and he put it
under his head."  The rabbis say "stones" have to do with problems.  In
fact, that same Hebrew expression is found in English where we have the
expression, "You're caught between a rock and a hard place." He did not
know how he was going to handle the problems of life.  He then had a dream,
a dream in which there was a ladder whose foot was on earth but reached
up to the heavens.  G-d was telling him, "Yaacov, don't worry.  You can
solve your problems, but you have to realize you are human.  You are not
above human passion.  You are not above the human situation even if you
understand it well.  You are subject to all the other rules of psychology
and interpersonal relationships, just like you are subject to the laws
of physics even if you understand them well.  If you jump off a cliff
you are going to fall down even if you understand all the laws of physics.
If you cut your finger, even if you understand all the laws of biology,
your finger is going to bleed.  You have to realize that you are human.
If you accept your humanity and your limitations, you will be abel to
reach up to heaven.  Never feel that certain situations you can handle.
You cannot handle them."  Then it says, "And Jacob woke up from his learning."
Rabbi Eliezer explains he woke up from his learning.  He understood that
 
there is a practical dimension to life, that you cannot be a scientific observer of life and feel that in that way you are not subject to its passions or temptations or problems.
Jacob now had confidence that he would be able to handle the problems of
life as long as he recognized that he was not above them, that he was
also subject to them.  He was not some student in an ivory tower to whom
the problems of life would never touch.  But how was he going to be able
to overcome these problems?  The next thing we learn about Yaacov is that
he did come to Choron, to Mesopotamia, and there he met a group of shepherds
who were gathered around a well, a well with a huge boulder on top of
its mouth.  Although the day was still young and there were many hours
left in which to water the flocks, they were all gathered around.  He
asked them why they were all gathered around, and they said they were
waiting for the shepherds to congregate so they could push the rock off
the well.  He then noticed a girl was approaching, and he asked who she
was.  They said it was Rachel, the daughter of Laban, who you just previously
asked us about.  When Jacob saw her he immediately fell in love with her.
It was love at first sight, and when she came, he, himself, was able to roll the rock from the well of water, and he watered the sheep of Laban, the brother of his mother, and he kissed Rachel, and he lifted his voice and he cried.  The rabbis, of course, tell us the Torah does not record every instance in the lives of the patriarchs, only significant incidents, incidents which teach us something.  Here the Torah is teaching us that Yaacov found out how he could solve the problems of life, how he could overcome them:  by finding a true mate, one who would share his burden with him, whose strengths would meld into his strengths, who would compensate for his weaknesses and and he would compensate for her weaknesses, and together they would be able to roll off the rocks of life off the living well of life and meaning and Torah.  In Judaism water stands for Torah.
 
If they would work together they would be able to surmount all of life's obstacles and be able to taste the sweet water of holiness and dignity and self-respect and would be able to overcome and sidestep many of the problems of life.  We have always believed as Jews until very recently that it was the family which protected us from many of the evils of life, that if we would uphold family values and be loyal one to another, if we would be willing to help one another, to raise children, to dedicate ourselves to each other, we would be able to overcome most of life's problems, not all of life's problems but most of life's problems.  It was the melding together of two strengths, of working together and giving to each other which would allow us to hold our own bad impulses in check and to develop those good impulses and which will allow us to understand what it meant by the joy of giving because we would give to each other, and it would allow us to live decent and upright lives.
Later on we learn just what it is that is required in order to make a marriage successful, in order to make love permanent.  We all know that Jacob loved Rachel so much that he really worked for her for 14 years. He had agreed to work for her for 7 years, but Laban, his father-in-law, switched girls on him, and he first was given Leah.  A week later Laban said he could marry Rachel, too, but he wanted 7 more years of work for her.  Leah knew that she was not the favored wife.  She yearned to be loved by Jacob, to have a good marriage with Jacob.  We learn that Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son, and she called him name Reuven, which means "G-d has seen my affliction".  She gave birth to a second son, and she called his name Shimon because now G-d had heard her plea, and she had a third son, whom she named Levi, because now her husband would have to accompany her because she only had two arms and could hold
 
Reuven in one arm and Shimon in the other and now her husband would have
to hold the third child.  She had a fourth child which she named Yehudah
Judah because she thanked G-d for all the goodness that He did for her.
The word "Jew", itself, means "to thank".  In these names we learn what
is required for a good marriage.  What is required first of all is that
each spouse recognize that they can see the other's point of view.  Marriage
is a miracle because two people get together who, from their own perspectives,
are each 100% right.  How do you meld together such views where each of
the parties, from their own perspective, is 100% right?  The mountain
looks different from different angles.  For example, let's say that there
is only a certain amount of money and the man wants to buy a suit with
that money because he needs it if he is going to get a promotion at work,
and the wife says but their child needs new shoes.  If they do not get
new shoes the child's feet will be twisted and turned the wrong way.
They have to come to a compromise.  Each of them is right from their own
perspective.  Each spouse must see the other's point of view, must look
at the perspective of the other spouse.  The second thing is that you
must hear what the other spouse of saying, not necessarily to what the
words are but to what they are saying.  If one spouse says, "Oh, I don't
care what you want.  Do whatever you want.  I don't care." You had better
not do it because that is not what the spouse means.  Listen to what they
mean.  Sometimes one spouse will get very angry but they are not rally
angry at you.  They are angry at something that happened at work, or they
are angry because they are not feeling well.  You have to listen to what
they really say.  Sometimes it is a cry for help.  Sometimes what they
say they do not mean because maybe they want to be polite or are afraid
to tell their true feelings.  Then you have Levi, and Levi means "to accompany".
You have to give your spouse time.  You have to communicate with each
other, which means that you have to tell your spouse about your real self
 
and not just your good self.  You cannot always put your best foot forward. You have to communicate, and in order to communicate, you have to spend time together and do things together, and even though maybe you do not want to do one activity you will do it with your spouse so he will do another activity with you.  Finally, you have to praise each other, not just criticize.  It is important to communicate and tell things that are wrong, but you should also praise when things are right.  Praise is essential in a marriage.  You must show the other spouse that you appreciate him/her. You cannot always just be negative.  Being negative will destroy a marriage. Yaacov knew that the problems of life are very difficult, and that we are all thrust into life and we need help in overcoming these problems. Most people cannot handle these problems alone.  It is very difficult. If we are forced to do so, yes, then we may have to do so, but even if, G-d forbid, we become widowers or widows or single parent families, divorcees, or are afflicted with certain problems like alcoholism or Altzheimer's Disease, etc., it is hard to handle these problems alone.  That's why AA came into being.  You have groups like Altzheimer's associations for the well spouse, cancer groups, groups for widows, for single parents. We all know that it is hard to deal with problems alone.  Marriage allows us to overcome most of the problems in life if we have someone to share them with.  We can roll off the rocks of life and taste the holiness and the meaning of life which is found in the waters beneath the problems. We have to work every day to make sure that our marriages are secure and are working.  In order to do this, we must see problems not just from our perspective but also from our spouse's perspective.  We must listen not only to what a spouse says but also to what he means.  We must also give each other time and accompany each other at different events.  We must also praise as well as criticize.  True, we have to communicate.
 
That is part of spending time together, but we must not just criticize. We must also communicate.
I am reminded of the story they tell about a man who was sitting watching TV with his wife.  They were watching a soap opera.  After a while he just could not stand it and, very irritably, he said, "How can you watch this drivel? How can you watch people who have problems we have never even met?"  The woman looked at him and said, "The same way you get so excited and jump up and down when you see a man make a touchdown we have never met."  It has to do with perspective.  We should all recognize each other's perspective.  We should all be willing to spend time with each other, to know what we mean and not just what we say, and to be willing to praise and not just criticize.  If we will do these things, G-d has assured us that no rocks will be able to keep us down.  We will be able to roll them all away and drink the sweet waters of life.  May we all be able to do so.