VAERA 1994

The Torah portion Vaera answers with G-d's reply to Moshe Rabbeinu.  Moshe Rabbeinu had become very discouraged.  The people's plight had not gotten even a little bit better, but, instead, it had gotten much worse, so bad that even the Jews were yelling at Moshe and saying that G-d shall see you and judge how you made us stink in the eyes of Pharaoh and the eyes of his servants to give a sword in their hand to kill us.  Moshe was so discouraged that he said, "G‑d, why did You do bad to this people?  Why did You send me?  Since the time I came to far to speak in Your name it has gotten much worse for the people, and You have not saved Your people.”  G-d answered him by saying, "And He said to him, 'Anee Yud Kay Vav Kay Adoshem' and He continued by saying 'I appeared to Abraham and to Isaac and to Jacob as a nurturing G-d, as Kail Shadai.  By My name Yud Kay Vav Kay I was not known to them.”  This seems a very strange answer, and what does it mean that My name Yud Kay Vav Kay was not known to them?  The patriarchs did use the name Yud Kay Vav Kay but the rabbis explain that Yud Kay Vav Kay symbolizes that aspect of G-d which has to do with relationships, with fulfilling relationships, with successful relationships.  G-d is known principally in the Torah by two names.  He is known by many names but principally by two names.  One is Elohim, which means the G-d of nature.  In other words, G-d created this world with natural law and we violate natural law at our own peril.  Elohim also means judges.  If you violate the law you get a certain punishment.  That, of course, is that aspect of G-d which has to do with the world and its laws and the way that natural law works.  We know that scientific laws exist.  That is the basis of science.  Without a belief in a one G-d Who controls all laws, we cannot have any science actually.  That's why the pagan world never developed a thorough science because they believed the world was just composed of many competing forces, but we believe that G-d is one and G-d controls all the universe and all the laws of the universe respond to His will.  They do His will without deviating one iota.  That's what we mention in the beginning of the Torah when we say, "In the beginning G-d created the heaven and the earth," using the world Elohim, but when it comes to creation of man the word Yud Kay Vav Kay which we pronounce as Adonai.  We really do not know how to pronounce it.  We put the vowels Adonai there.  That is where the Jehovah's Witnesses are wrong.  They think that the vowels there are the correct way of pronouncing Yud Kay Vav Kay but we do not know the correct vowels, and, in fact, we use the word Adoshem just to show us that our relationship with G-d is not a relationship with ourselves but a relationship with a being Who has a different content than we have.  Each of us has a piece of G-d within him, but G-d is separate and unique from us and separate and unique in nature.  We do not believe that we are G-d or can become G-d and do not believe that nature is G-d or can become G-d.  Therefore, Yud Kay Vav Kay stands for the relationship that G-d wants to us with us and the paradigm of this relationship is the relationship between a man and a woman.  Why does He say here, "And I appeared to Abraham and to Isaac and to Jacob as a nurturing G-d," because G-d did not have a complete relationship with the patriarchs because each patriarch found G-d in a different way.  Abraham found G-d through nature.  Abraham saw that the laws of nature were unique and that they pointed to the finger of G-d.  In fact, even today we know that scientists tell us that it is impossible for the world to have been created.  According to the law of statistics, the world should not have been created because the coincidence that it would require for the world to come into being are just too great and there was not enough time in the evolutionary process (15 billion years is not enough) to have caused all these coincidences to have occurred, so some great scientists, one who recently won a Nobel Prize, said there had to be a guiding hand behind this and, of course, that guiding hand, to our way of thinking, is G-d.  Abraham found G-d through the study of nature.  Yitzchak found G-d through personal experience, through the Akedah, and Yaacov found G-d through history, through his own history, the history of his family, the history of the Jewish people and the future history of the Jewish people even.  That was what some rabbis explained was the significance of his dream of a ladder going to heaven, that he saw the different nations, how they would ascend and descend but the Jewish people would only ascend the ladder and he would cite times when maybe they would backtrack but eventually they would reach up to the throne of G-d and bring in the Messianic era.  He found G-d through personal history.  Each of them found G-d through only one aspect and not through all three aspects, and although they knew that G-d had a relationship with them, it was not a complete relationship.  It was a nurturing relationship, more a relationship between a parent and a child but not a relationship between a husband and a wife as the rabbis explain and the Torah explains it is similar to the relationship that G-d had with us and that, therefore, when the Jewish people are going to leave Egypt they are going to have all three experiences.  They are going to see that G-d is the G-d of nature because He can overrule nature.  The splitting of the Red Sea and the plaques showed this.  They would have a personal apprehension, a personal experience of G-d.  At the Red Sea the rabbis say that the lowliest maiden had a greater experience of G-d than the later prophets.  We also know that in the historical experience of their slavery and their redemption that they are going to find G-d.  G-d's hand is behind all Jewish history.  This, then, is going to be a cementing of a relationship between G-d and the Jewish people.

That's why Moshe accepted this answer.  We know, too, that if we are to have a successful relationship in marriage that we have to have these three elements present.  First of all, the couple must believe in the institution of marriage.

If they do not believe in the institution of marriage the marriage will not survive because every marriage has its ups and downs.  Every marriage has its disputes.  Sometimes it is nobody's fault.  The person had a hard day at work and when he came home he found out that his wife also had a hard day.  The washing machine broke, the car would not start, the kids are yelling, and pretty soon they are yelling at each other, and sometimes, of course, it is one of the partner's fault.  Sometimes you have to bide your time and bite your tongue and put up with different things because you will eventually get over them, because you believe In the institution of marriage.  I know that many people have come to me for divorces and I can tell you that many of these divorces should never have happened because the couple really are suited for each other but they just hit a bump in the road and instead of bobbing and weaving with this bump and getting over it they make a big thing of it.  Sometimes they think that there are greener pastures out there, that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but every couple has its ups and downs.  Every couple has its disagreements and many times different things happen within the marriage which will get each of the partners mod.  Sometimes parents who shoo their children from all parental disputes are not doing them a favor because later when they grow up and get married themselves they think their parents did not have any disputes when they did have disputes but they were behind closed doors.  I am reminded of the story they tell about a woman who got engaged named Irene.  One of Irene's friends came to her house looking for her especially to wish her Mazel Tov.  She was met at the door by the maid and she said, "Could you please tell Irene that I am here?" The maid said, "I'm sorry.  I cannot tell her that.”  She asked why and the maid said, "Because Irene just got engaged and she is now attending domestic silence classes.”  Of course, this is true.  Sometimes you have to put up with certain things and sometimes it is difficult but you will get over it and they will get over it and the marriage will endure as long as you believe that marriage is the natural institution for man and woman, that a man cannot live without a woman and a woman cannot live without a man and that somehow they can get over their differences and compromise and, of course, that is one of the great miracles of marriage.  So you first have to believe that marriage is the natural institution of man.
The second thing, you have to have strong feelings for one another.  You have to, just as Yitzchak had a strong experience of G-d, you have to have strong feelings for each other.  You have to want to be together.  As I tell couples, sex is the glue which holds a marriage together.  When couples come to me for counseling if I find out that they are not sleeping together my chances of saving their marriage are very slim, but if I find out that they are sleeping together then usually I can save that marriage.
The third element, of course, is the element of support.  You have to be willing do things one for another.  There has to be a history of helping, of being there, of always supporting one another, especially emotional support in trying times.  I know a terrible thing happened about 6 years ago.  A woman's father died and her husband had very expensive tickets to the opera and he would not let the woman mourn.  He insisted that this woman go to the opera with him even though she was in deep grief because of her father.  Maybe it is true that the shiva had already passed but yet there is still such thing as 11 months.  He would not hear anything of it.  He said he needed her there.  He felt his feelings came first, and, of course, that is terrible.  That's very destructive in any type of relationship.  The couple must be concerned about each other's feelings, the wife for the husband and the husband for the wife.  You just cannot be concerned about the husband's or wife's feelings.  There has to be mutuality here.  A husband has to be there for the wife and the wife has to be there for the husband and there has to be a continual history of Chesed, of kindness one to the other.  If there is this continual history then the marriage will endure.
So in order for a marriage to endure it must emulate those qualities which G-d told us that we must have if we are to have a successful relationship with Him, and that is that we must be able to find Him in nature, we must have a personal experience of Him, and, of course, if you do not have a personal experience, a personal belief in G-d then you will not be able to pray and have a relationship with Him.  It must also be based on history, on knowing that G-d is there to help us and G-d will help us.  The same applies to a marriage.  We must always be there for one another.  I am reminded of the story they tell about a man and woman who celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.  A reporter came up to the man and asked, "Do you still love your wife?" He said, "I love her more than even the day I married her.”  The reporter asked, "Well, is that despite the 50 years of marriage?" The man said, "No, that is because of the 50 years of marriage, because when you do things for one another, when you help one another it deepens your love and that causes it to grow and causes the marriage to be even more firmly established.  So in order to have a successful marriage you must believe that marriage is the natural institution for men and women, that a man cannot live without a woman and a woman cannot live without a man and marriage is the institution which allows them to live together.  Secondly, they must have strong feelings for each other, and thirdly, they must be willing to do things for each other and support each other physically, spiritually, and especially emotionally.  They must constantly do deeds of kindness for one another.  If they will do this, then they will have strong families, and if we will have strong families, then rest assured that the Jewish people will be strong, and if the Jewish people are strong then the Mashiach will certainly come soon in our day.  Amen.