CHAYE SARAH 1986

In the Torah portion Chaye Sarah we have the longest chapter in the whole Bible.  We have Chapter 24 which deals with Eliezer's mission to Mesopotamia to bring back a wife for Yitzchak.  This Torah portion contains 67 verses.  The rabbis ask, why does the Torah spend so much time on this mission of Eliezer to secure a wife for Yitzchak? We have Abraham's instructions given to Eliezer; then we have Eliezer coming to Mesopotamia and setting up conditions in order to choose the right girl; then we have the story of how Rivka came and her response to Eliezer's requests; then we have a repetition of the story and Elizer comes and meets Rivka's father and brother.  This story is repeated many times from many different angles.  We then have the story of how Rivka accepts Eliezer's proposition to go with him to the Land of Israel to wed Yitzchak.  The Torah, which is usually so sparse in its language, here spend so much time on one little incident in the life of Yitzchak.  It was an important incident, but one which could have been dealt with in five or six verses and not in 67 verses.  After all, the Torah deals with some of the most important laws of Judaism with just one sentence or two sentences or a word here or there.  In fact, the rabbis ask this question. They said that G-d prefers the conversation of the servants of Abraham even to the learning out of some very important laws of Judaism.
What do we learn from this long chapter?  It seems that here the Torah is teaching us something very important, and that is that it matters not only what you do but how you do it.  Sometimes how you do something is even more important than what you do.  If you are doing a good deed but are insulting someone, then you are, in essence, negating the good deed.  When a person comes to you and asks for charity and you treat him in a demeaning fashion and talk rough
 
to him, then eventually such a bad impression is left in the heart and mind of this person that he is really turned off even though you really helped him.  On the other hand, there are people who have style and good manners but who actually do not accomplish anything. In fact, it was once recounted to me by a impoverished individual that he went to someone for help and that person treated him very nicely, had him sit down, gave him coffee, wanted to hear his problems, but at the end he turned him away with nothing.  He said, "Well, you know, although I was treated roughly by the previous individual, I really prefer him because he really helped me."
The Torah here is telling us that we need both:  substance and appearance. They are both important.  If you have only substance but do not have manners and style, then you will be in an almost intolerable situation. On the other hand, if you have style and manners but you have no substance, you will be in an even worse position because you will not be help at all.  In this Torah portion we learn the importance of style, of manners, of avoiding confrontations.  That is what the first part of this Torah portion is about when Abraham negotiates for a field in which to bury Sarah, his wife.  He bargained in such an indirect way that nobody is hurt if the deal should fall through. There is an out for each man.  When they were discussing this land they were not led into confrontation so that one person would lose face in the eyes of other people.  The importance of style and manners is to avoid confrontation because many times people get into a bind when they deal with interpersonal relationships, and they insult each other, and they do not know how to get out of it.  For some manner slight they complain about the person, his whole family, etc.
 
We end up exaggerating points of disagreement and end up in terrible conflict just because of some minor slight we may have suffered. When Eliezer went to find a wife for Yitzchak he was looking for two things.  He was looking for a person who knew how to talk to people.  He also looked for someone with substance.  Without both these qualities the marriage of Yitzchak would be intolerable.  How many times have I run across people to actually treat their spouses well when it comes to substance, but they are always insulting them, always hurting them.  They are helping them, supporting them, but they are doing it in such a bad way that the situation is intolerable. On the other hand, it is even worse when a spouse talks nice to each other and gives the impression that he or she can be depended upon, and then that spouse breaks promises.  You know you cannot rely on them for anything.  That is an even worse situation.
Eliezer knew he had to find a bride for Yitzchak who would have style and manners and know how to talk to people and be good in interpersonal relationships and also have substance.  That's why when we read the Torah we read that when Eliezer came to Mesopotamia, it says from the very beginning that he came to the well of water and, of course, what that refers to is both substance and appearance.  It says, "V'yari Chagmolim V'Chutzori El Ber Mayim - he made the camels lay down outside to sleep to a well of water".  Later on when the same story is recounted the word Ayin is used for well.  Many people have appearances of being good.  They appear to be good, but that was not enough for Eliezer.  He had to find a woman for Yitzchak who would not only have the appearance of being a good and kind person, but also a person to whom kindness and compassion were part of their being, who could
 
relate to everyone well, who had not just appearance but substance. Eliezer was very much afraid he would not be able to find such a person.  He was afraid he would be taken in by the outside manners of the people around him.  That's why throughout this whole 67 verses it only mentions V'er twice:  once when Eliezer came to Mesopotamia; and once when he spoke to G-d and said, "G-d, let me find the right girl."  The other time it mentions V'er is when it says that Rivka hurried, and she poured her pitcher into the trough and she ran again El V'er - to the well.  Eliezer could see that Rivka had both substance and appearance, both manners and reality.  That is, of course, very important.  People should have substance to them and not just appearance of goodness.
Throughout the rest of the portion we learn about Ayin, Ayin, appearance.
First, Laban put on a good appearance although he, himself, was a
shyster and a trickster.  In life we have to have both substance
and appearance.  I remember in the 1950's the dominant mood in this
country was to keep up with the Joneses.  People were other-directed.
They did things not because they wanted to do them but to put on
a good appearance.  Of course, they lost the respect of their children.
Their children knew they were not sincere and did not mean the things
they said.  Therefore, this was followed by the 1960's, by the hippies
who wanted to do their own thing.  They did not care about style
or appearance.  They wanted to be sincere and true.  Of course, that
ended in disaster, too.  Judaism demands that we have both, that
we have both substance and appearance.  We need them both.  Sometimes
it is very difficult to reconcile the demands of what society wants
you to do and what you want to do.  That is what a mature human being
must do, and that is what Judaism demands of us.  That, of course,
 
was the kind of woman that Eliezer was looking for.
In the Haphtorah we have the same message given.  We learn how Idanijer revolted against his father, David, and declared himself king.  He said, "I will rule" and he took upon himself all the appearance of power.  Idanijer's revolt, though, was doomed from the start even though he had 50 men running in front of him and had chariots and horsemen.  All he was interested in was the appearance of power. When the prophet Nathan heard about this he went to Bathsheba and Bathsheba went to King David and, of course, they made the case for Solomon.  They didn't just say, "He will rule", but said, "He will sit on my throne", said David.  Bathsheba said, "Yes, he should sit on your throne."  In other words, they needed a king but also reality, not just the appearance of power, but he stood for values, for Jewish values which the kingship must have.  You cannot just rule a country with appearance.  Unfortunately, in our own day the crisis of last week, people say the President should not say this and he has to appear he is in charge.  Obviously, he is not in charge.  Obviously, everyone can tell a big mistake has been made.  He should just admit it.  You cannot substitute reality for appearance.  Appearance must bespeak some inner reality.  If it does not, then the appearance is false and insincere and will never accomplish anything.
This is why this Torah portion is so long.  It teaches that in Judaism
we need both appearance and reality.  You cannot separate them.
You need manners, charm, but you also have to have some reality in
back of it.  If you do not, then you cannot succeed in life, in marriage,
in anything you do.  This Torah portion is very important because
it teaches us that Judaism does not say either/or, but it says both.
 
We must have both manners and reality.
I am reminded of the story they tell about a person who became very rich almost overnight.  He saw all the rich people had yachts, so he bought a yacht.  He dressed himself as a captain and went to see his parents.  When his mother saw him she said, "What have you got on?"  He said, "Don't you see I am a captain?"  His mother said, "You're a captain?" He said, "Mother, don't you think I am a captain?" His mother replied, "I may think you are a captain and your father may think you are a captain, but do the captains think you are a captain?"   Appearances are not enough.  We must also have substance. Without substance appearances are false.  Just substance without a way to convey this substance in a dignified and correct way can only, too, lead to disaster.  Let us all hope and pray that we will always combine substance with manners so that we will be able to live lives of happiness, lives which perpetuate and further Jewish values and goals.  Amen.
 
In Chaye Sarah we read that Abraham was blessed "B'Kol - with everything". In the benching we ask that G-d should bless us "B'Kolmee Kolko -with everything from everything and everything".  In other words, the complete blessing is not just "B'Kol".  We learn that Abraham was blessed B'Kol, with everything, because he had children.  One rabbi explains B'Kol means he had a son, and another rabbi explains B'Kol also means he had a daughter.  He had children.
"Mikol - come" we learn in the next Torah that Esau brings food to Yitzchok.  It says he ate "Mikol - from the venison that his son brought him".  Mikol there refers to health, to "breeut".  The third time we learn about the word Kol, we learn about it when Yaacov met Esau after he came back from Mesopotamia, and it says Jacob said, "Yaish V'Kol - I have everything".  That refers to "parnusa", to being able to earn a living.  Blessing in Judaism, having everything in Judaism means that you have children and you have your health and you have a way of earning a living.  Standing up on your own two feet and having dignity is what, of course, Judaism demands of each of us, that we should have a sense of independence, that we should be concerned about our family and our Jewish institutions, that we should be concerned about children, about our good health and the community's good health, and about making sure that everybody has an opportunity to earn a living.  Then blessing will come not only to us but to all society.  Let us all be concerned with making life good for children.  May we always love children and devote our lives to raising them in a proper way, not only our children but the entire community's children so that the world will be blessed. If you train a child with love he will grow up to be a loving individual, and the world will be a better place.  We should always be concerned
 
that everybody should    enjoy good health, that everybody should have
a job.  If we do that    we can be assured that G-d's blessings will
flow upon us.  Let us    hope and pray that these blessings will come
soon.  Amen.