CHAYE SARA 1996
 
The theme of Chaye Sara is the death wish and life wish that each of us have. The Greek word for thantos, of course, means death, and the word for eros is the word for love, the love of life. We all know that in this Torah portion we deal with these two subjects. We deal with the death of Sarah and how Abraham negotiates to buy a burial place for her in the town of Chevron. We also learn how afterwards Abraham sends Eliezer, his faithful servant, to Mesopotamia to find a wife for Yitzchak, In both of these events we learn how circumlocution is used, how the patriarchs and their servants do not speak directly about certain matters, but that they speak in a very delicate, polite way. In fact, the longest chapter of the whole Torah is when Eliezer recounts how he went to Mesopotamia and obtained a wife for Yitzchak. We first have how Abraham commands him to do so; we then hear his story about how he approaches the well; we learn about how Rifka comes out and fulfills the test that he had set out for her; how he then convinces her family to let him take her with him back to Mesopotamia. This story is recounted in many different ways.
The question is asked, why does the Torah, which is usually so laconic, spend so much time on telling us this story? It could have said it in a very few words. The rabbis comment that the conversation of the servants of the patriarchs is more detailed even than many halachas. In fact, all the halachas of Shabbos are really dangled from a posed, from a thread, the rabbis say. The reason for this is that we all know that life is difficult, life is hard. We have not only a life wish but we also have a death wish. There are some people who really want to fail in life. In fact, they are experts in seizing defeat from the jaws of victory. We know people like that who are like the proverbial cow who gives a lot of milk but who, at the last
 
moment, kicks over the pail. We know people who actually find life so unbearable that they would like to end it, but they cannot end it as a suicide because that would bring discredit among themselves and dishonor to their family, so, therefore, they are looking to do it in honorable ways. In fact, we know that many war heroes actually turn out to be very great misfits in civilian life. The reason for that is that they really did not want to be war heroes; they really intended to die in battle, if not consciously then subconsciously, but because of circumstances and luck and their own valor, they were able to do great feats and they survived. They did not mean to survive but they survived, and when they have to come back to life, they just cannot handle it We know that today among teenagers and young adults, suicide is the second leading cause of death after automobile accidents. Life can sometimes become very, very unbearable, and we have to make sure that we strengthen our eros, our love of life, and not our death wish. Many people actually seek confrontation because they really want to fail. They really, for some reason, feel that they are no good or they have a hormone imbalance or they have been abused as a youngster and they really do not feel that they are worthy, and they really do not want to succeed in life and they do everything possible to strengthen their death wish rather than their life wish. It is our job to try to, as Jews, strengthen our life wish. That is why the toast that we Jews have, which is unique among all toasts, is L'Chayim, to life. We want everyone to see the joy and happiness of life even when things are not going well. That is why the Baal Shem Tov said that only a happy man can serve G-d.
 
We know, too, that when a person was ritually impure he could not enter the Temple,  Many explanations explain that, what happens when you become ritually impure, when you come into contact with death, which depresses you, and, therefore, you cannot serve G-d with joy. One of the ways that we can enhance our eros, our love of life and our capacity to love generally, is if we do not seek confrontations. Confrontations destroy us. Of course, sometimes we have no choice, but most confrontations can be avoided, and that is exactly what we learn here in this week's Torah portion. We learn how Abraham negotiates with the sons of Chais, and he negotiated in an indirect way so that if the negotiations would fall through they could save face. They could say that they were not even really negotiating. The sons of Chais were talking about giving him and the land, and he was talking about stranger, an alien, among them. Things would have worked out without anybody losing face, without there being an argument, without there being confrontation with its terrible, searing pain, because any time you have a confrontation you have a winner and a loser and even the winner feels the pain of the conflict.
We also know the same thing happened with Eliezer.  He speaks in many circumlocutions. He puts the case for many different points of view in order to get what he came for, which is the consent of Rifka and her parents to bring her back as a wife to Yitzchak. Therefore, he did not look for confrontations. We all know that we should not look for confrontations in life. In fact, I was struck once standing in line at an airline that a person ahead of me blew his top. Why did he blow his top? He blew his top because he had a reservations with some
 
other airline and they did not realize he had a reservations and did not honor his reservation, and so what did he do instead of trying to talk to the ticket taker and tell the ticket taker how he had to be there and it was an emergency and give a big sob story.  Instead, he let out with the worst cursing and screaming at this ticket taker. Of course, this ticket taker was not going to help him at all. The only person who could really help him, he tried to destroy with his anger. Of course, the person did not respond to this, as everybody does when they are attacked. He just would not help him at all. We find that happens many times among spouses, when one spouse is helping another and the spouse who is sick is, of course, sick and depressed and mad and takes out his anger on the spouse who is helping him. Many times then the spouse who is helping him does not want to help him anymore, or helps him with a heavy heart. We know many times that people seek confrontation for no real reason and it just destroys everything. We should be careful not to destroy. Even when Abraham dealt with death, he did it in a life affirming fashion, and when we deal with life we should deal with it in a life affirming fashion. We should try to strengthen as much as possible our life wish and not our death wish, because life is painful enough. Of course, we know so many marriages that have been broken, so many people that have been broken because they are always seeking confrontation. They are not seeking to learn how to affirm their eros. Instead, what they are doing is strengthening their thantos and they are destroying themselves.
I am reminded of the story they tell about a man who was half drunk.  He went to a party
 
with his wife and he saw her on the dance floor dancing.  He decided he wanted to dance so he went over and tapped her on the shoulder. He said, "Let's dance," and as the woman turned around he noticed it was not his wife.  He said, "I am very sorry.  I thought you were my wife." The woman looked at him and said, "You disgust me. If you were my husband, I would be ashamed of you." The roan looked at the woman and said, "You know, you even talk like her." That man was not a happy man, and that man was, in effect, destroying himself through his drink. We must always be life affirming. We must always do those things which cause us to affirm our eros and to lessen our thantos.  Let us all hope that all of us will be life affirming and do things in a constructive and positive way so that we will feel life's joy and happiness and not succumb to the inevitable pain that afflicts us all, but that we will realize that life can always be joyful, so that the Mashiach will come quickly in our day. Amen,